It's been another intersting week and again I wish I had written more often, but I rarely stop in the middle of the day - so by the time the day draws to an end, I am beat. Had a great visit with Matt and we actually had a fun day on Friday - no maintenance work, no alarms shrieking and nothing broken that I can recall!! Hooray! We hit a few antique malls and I took him to Freddy's for his first steakburger and a frozen custard. Had the in-laws over for dinner (mother, father, sister, nephew, etc.) and Matt and I had smoked some tasty ribs and brisket. This is the kind of stuff I came back to get to be able to do! Last Friday was a good day!
Matt left on Sunday and I headed to my mom's house in Pittsburg, KS after I dropped him at the airport. There was a part of me that was glad to get away and another part of me that feared I was leaving Brad with some sort of disaster waiting to happen while I was gone. So far so good from what I can tell and any disasters that happened were small or my amazing husband has fixed them on his own! Then again, I feel like these days I create most of the disasters, so maybe by having me gone and not starting projects, there is less to go wrong!
It's been a nice time with my mom in one way, but also sobering in another. I am writing this while she is fast asleep in the room next to me and secretly hoping that she won't log on and read this until I am gone tomorrow morning. I want to be genuine and honest on this blog, but I also know that she reads it........
My mother is getting old........ that is the hard reality of the last few weeks. I love the fact that she can be 88 and not consider herself "an old lady" - and now I know where I get it since I sure as hell don't feel like some damn 50 year old woman! Last time I looked I was about 30! But reality is sinking in and I feel like this most recent fall has forced our hand. Sight is diminishing, balance is shakier and things that used to be simple are no longer so. It's a tough pill to swallow - just as hard as any medication that can be prescribed because while you have no option but to "take it", there is no benefit reaped other than reality sinking in.
We are not ready for any big changes yet and I think this most recent fall was just a setback and not a detour, but one now gets the sense that "what I want to happen" and "what will happen" may not be the same. So these last few days with Mom I have decided that it's time for a few of those tough conversations that we all dread and no one really wants to have, but someone has to have. We have talked, we have cried and we have both realized that nothing is forever. At least I think so - I can't speak for her. It's really hard to hear her talk with excitement about her idea of buying a duplex and having either my sister or my neice live in the other side so they can watch out for her, while trying to convey to her that at age 88 and failing sight, that might be a tough move and put an incredible burden on whoever is living on the other side. The splash of reality that hit her in the face in that moment reduced me to tears. These are not moments that children ever assume they will see in their parents, and no matter what you tell yourself, you are never prepared to see it. The only way I know how to describe it is that your heart stops for a second and then it just feels like shattering glass........
Things are different now. I used to tip toe around the house while she was resting and now I can practically bang pots and slam doors and she doesn't hear me. We have reached that stage where there are about 100 Tupperware containers and 100 Tupperware lids, but none of them match up. Where you open the fridge and it's full of half eaten food saved for another meal and expired condiments or things that you really don't want to talk about before you send them down the garbage disposal. Opening the fridge or the freezer feels a little like going to Vegas ..... how lucky do you feel?!
But there are wonderful moments too. Every day when I get the mail I cringe at how many catalogs my mother gets and tell her she must be killing a forest all on her own! But I love to see her going through them and love the fact that every now and then she will treat herself to something she sees and wants. There were SO many years in her life where she didn't feel like she could buy anything for herself that it makes me happy when she does now. She always tells me how she wants to leave enough money 'when she's gone' so that each of her kids can have some and I tell her that all I need is money for a Diet Coke. If it comes down to a stained glass gazing ball for the yard or my inheritance, I am sure hoping she goes with the gazing ball!!!
And there are moments like today when I am at her financial advisor's office, filling out forms for a power of attorney so that I can have access to her financial records and I laugh at something the woman says and she grabs me by the arm and says "Oh my gosh, I SO saw your mother right there!". I want to cry and smile at the same time I guess. I take it as a compliment and can only hope I have her spirit as well.
I have looked at a few assisted living places on this visit (sorry Mom) and will tuck what I have learned away for future use if needed. I guess my theory is that it's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared. We have gotten a home care service in place to help her out once a week with cleaning and errands until she can get back to being able to do them on her own. I know more than I ever wanted to know about her finances, defrosted her deep freeze and put in plastic bins to elevate the things she has so that she doesn't have to bend down so far to reach them. I hung her diploma from her college graduation just 3 months ago, her cap and gown are now on display on her wall. In essence, I feel like I have done all that I can do for now. And I just have to hope that it's enough.
And this is what I love about my mother. She jokes that her doctor told her she would probably live to be 100. She figures he may be right since everything that keeps happening to her doesn't kill her but is just really annoying!!!!
So tomorrow I will head a few hours west, back to my own reality and my own life. I will hope for smooth sailing for both my mother and I for a while.
But of course I can't close without explaining the title I have chosen for today's blog! I actually thought of blogging the other day and came up with the title but didn't blog. It was about last Friday when I ran errands in Wichita and the three things I bought that day were flowers for myself, simply because I wanted them (sunflowers!), lipstick and a new motor for the greenhouse fan! Now before you go thinking I have REALLY changed, let me explain the lipstick! I can't remember where I learned it, but it works like a charm: if you have a door that won't latch, if you rub red lipstick on the part that goes into the catch, you can see where the lipstick hits and it will help you figure out what you need to do to fix it - or at least where the problem is!!! Not sure I know too many handymen who have lipstick in their tool kit, but I do! Not your typical shopping day for most females I am guessing, but that is pretty much how my life goes these days!
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