In Search of Something Beautiful

Last Monday was my 51st birthday.  As my gift, I got Brad and the dogs who came back to Wichita.  While the dogs now remain, Brads stay was only about 4 days.   We both felt a little safer with them here with me.  As much as I liked the freedom of not having to worry about taking care of them, the love that they provide me is so worth the effort.   Their life is a "little less good" here but they are doing their job and hopefully soon enough we can all move west.   They mostly spend it indoors since it's been over 100 degrees every day, but they have gotten to swim a handful of times which they LOVE!   So far I must say that birthdays in my fiftieth decade have not been so great - here's to hoping that 52 is a good one!

It was wonderful having Brad home, even though it was all too short.  I really, really tried not to cry every day ...... but I did.   He understood and I think in one sense I just needed to get it all out while he was here as I have been pretty good since he left.   It felt like such balance in life when he was back though - noise in the house, dirty sinks and more than anything what I realized I had missed the most was the sound of his laughter.  Whether it was him in the other room watching TV or us sharing a story or something, I had forgotten how the happy sound of laughter is like a balm to the wounded soul.   We pretended for a few days that it was all good.  Which I think helped me prepare for when he left last Friday.

It's a different kind of quiet here now.  I don't have the laughter but I have the dogs who bark at things outside and let me know they will protect me (unless of course you come, and then they would simply lick you to death, but thugs don't know that!).  I don't mind the barking these days and even happily let them out to see what's up.  We have had no more problems or mischief and I am sure it was simply a teenage crime of opportunity, but then again there was that lesson that I learned .........

After Brad left I decided I needed to start living my life instead of just surviving it.  I realized that I had simply been "getting through" my days with the basic goal of just being able to count one more off.   Really not the kind of goals I have had in the past, so I am trying to change that.   I am trying to slow down and be present in my own life.   Trying to find at least one thing to be grateful for each day, one thing of beauty to enjoy, at least one positive thing about each day.   So far I am doing pretty good and it can range anywhere from my lone eggplant growing in my heat stressed garden to today when I realized how beautiful the water lilies in my pond are.   Just one thing each day .... and I find that it then makes it easier to see more.

In search of something beautiful the day after Brad left, I took off on a solo road trip to a field of sunflowers he'd told me he had passed on the freeway.  He had even told me the exact exit they were at.   I love sunflowers, so I was willing to drive 170 miles to find them.  I needed to find them.  I needed something beautiful desperately that day.  And suddenly there they were!   It took my breath away!  It even brought me to tears because everything here is so brown and parched and drought stricken, and here was this sea of sunflowers calling to me!   Yes, it was private property I am sure, but I figured I couldn't do any harm with just a camera, so I worked my way back to where I could get to them, set up my camera and tripod and spent a half hour taking pictures.  Even used the self timer to prove I was actually there!   And the pictures turned out beautifully.  I could not have asked for a better day - blue skies, fluffy white clouds, sunflowers.   Temperatures under 100 would have been nice but it didn't matter.

When I had gotten my fill of sunflowers, I headed to Hays to eat lunch at a local brewery (of course!) and had a wonderful nostalgic lunch and a great beer!   I felt like I had stepped back in time when I saw Fried Bologna Sandwich on the menu!  Oh the memories!!  I had to have it ..... and it was good!

Rejuvenated, I headed back home, but my heart was definitely a little lighter.

Mom is doing better,   She spent about 5 days in the hospital and is on some new meds that really seem to be helping.  I went back down Monday for three days and while she is still tired and weak, I see slow steady progress.  Recovery simply takes longer when you are 89.  Several of my siblings have gone to help her out, so having a large family can really help in times of crisis.  I will most likely go back down for a visit in a few weeks and see how she is doing but at least I feel like there is hope, where I was feeling pretty bleak before.

So I am planning out my coming months with the expectation of living my life to the fullest extent that I can.  I have another road trip planned tomorrow and there will be more to come after that.   I had thought about taking some classes at Wichita State and even went ahead and applied and got in, but think I will wait on that for now.   But I am going to take a refresher stained glass class that starts this week and a few other art type classes soon.   Perhaps I can create some of my own beauty.

So if you find yourself near Wichita, come visit.  The dogs and I would love to have you!  If we don't answer the door, come out back - we're probably in the pool!

The song I chose to post today is a song by The Refugees called "You Plant Your Fields".  I love the sound of these three women and the meaning in this song.  It is as much about harvesting what is is your heart as it is about what is in the fields.  And around here, we are definitely praying for rain!   I will try to remember to harvest on a daily basis.  And of course with the sunflowers, it seemed even more perfect!   Enjoy!