Learned a Lot .....

Wow ..... I don't even know where to begin .......

It has been 147 days - almost 5 months - since I last blogged and it feels like it was another lifetime.  So much has happened and changed that there is no way that I can catch you up, so in one sense, I suppose I won't even really try.   I just read the last entry I made and things seemed to be moving along wonderfully at that point, didn't they?!

I think the working title for this particular blog entry will be "Learned a Lot".   It is the song I have chosen as my music today (more on that later) and the thread that seems to be most prevalent in my life for the last several months as well.     I have indeed learned a lot.

I have learned that nothing is permanent.
Not jobs or happiness or sadness or houses.

Since I last wrote, Brad and I made the decision to sell the house and move back to Salt Lake City.  (Pick up your jaw and keep reading ..... there is more....).  He just was not happy with the job here in Wichita and it didn't seem like it was going to get better.  We were also finding that we both truly missed the great outdoors and the mountains.  About the time that we realized we needed to make a change, they actually offered him is old job back in Utah!   Karma?   So I worked like a crazed lunatic on the master bathroom and bedroom remodel - hired some help for things I couldn't handle or needed help with - and got it completely done in about 2 months.  Our house officially went on the market on May 7th.   I am happy with how the bathroom turned out but it was almost the death of me and I think it might have cured me from ever wanting to do a major remodel again.  Brad sure hopes so and right now I do too.  I will post pictures at a later time.....

The house as been on the market since May 7th.   That is 66 days.   We have had 13 showings, 7875 website viewings and will have our first open house on Sunday.   No offers so far and we just dropped the price $25K this week, which officially means that every dime we have put into this house we have now  lost.........  it is heartbreaking.    Someone take my house .... please!   You can have it for basically what we paid for it and I have made it a thousand times better!  When the realtor asked me to list the upgrades we had made it was almost comical....... the list was a complete single spaced typed page!

So I learned that I am spoiled.... this is the 5th house we have sold and every other one sold in one week or less.    I am trying to learn patience......

Another thing I learned it that sometimes you have to hit the bottom in order to start the climb back up.  Not going to lie .... the last few months have been brutal in many ways.   It's been hard physically, mentally, emotionally and every other word that ends in "-lly".   Change has never been the easiest thing for me and to move twice in one year has been tough.   But we came to the point where we realized that it wasn't going to work and staying longer wasn't going to make it any better so it was time to rip the band aid off.  Brad has been an angel and has been so supportive of me as I have struggled through this process - whether it was doing the physical work of the remodel or the mental work needed to move on to the next phase.  The poor man has seen me cry buckets of tears.   Some sad, some happy, but all of them heavy with emotion.   Thank you Brad for being my human Kleenex!  (okay, that just sounds gross, but you know what I mean!)   It does feel like I hit bottom along the way, but the climb up is definitely progressing.

I have also learned that some things are sacred.  While I have prided myself on pretty much sharing just about everything when I blogged, I have learned that there are some things that are mine and mine alone.  I do not have to share them, even though some of them may shape who I am, who I will be and the course of my life from this point on.   It does not make me any less genuine by keeping those things for myself.   I am still me.

There is a quote by Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh where he says, "Promise me you'll always remember ... You're braver than you believe, and stronger that you seem and smarter than you think."  That is what I am telling myself these days.

As I write this, Brad and the two dogs are now living in Salt Lake City, Utah.  We rented a UHaul and loaded it up with things for his "bachelor pad" and then made the two day drive west with the help of our oldest son, Matt.    He has already started his "new old job" at Primary Children's Medical Center and already I can feel the happiness radiating from him, back doing what he loves.  Neither of us is completely sure why we left in the first place but what's done is done.  We are renting a house there for a year from a friend but the plan is that I will stay here in Wichita until the house sells.  It just requires enough regular upkeep that I didn't feel comfortable leaving it.  We made the choice for the dogs to go with him for several reasons - not the least of which is that the weather is so much better and already they have been hiking twice and gone swimming in mountain lakes!  They are HAPPY dogs!

And my plan for the next few months is to explore.  With all this freedom and no one dependent on me, it's the perfect time.   I have decided I want to go see all of the houses I lived in when I was growing up (I know they will all seem small now!), I want to visit some places I have never seen here in Kansas before I leave.  I may make some road trips, visit friends and family or I may just lay on the couch for a few days and read a book.   The world is my oyster.

I have also re-discovered my love for writing poetry and writing in general.  It is something I have circled around to several times in my life and so I think it's trying to tell me that it's something I need to nurture a little more.  I am thinking of taking some classes at Wichita State if I am still here in the Fall.   And I want to learn to paint!  Not a room or a house but a picture!  I might not be any good, but another thing I am learning is that it will be good enough.

I guess the biggest lesson that I have learned - and continue to learn - is that what matters most is people and relationships.   I think I had this grand illusion of "coming home", but yet I am finding that I don't really know where home is.   I have had 21 addresses in my lifetime......... so home can be hard to define for me.  But one day Brad said to me as he patted his chest where his heart lay beneath, "this is where home is".   And he's right.   He is the foundation of my home and my boys are the framing and all my friends and family are what fill it.   I feel as though I have looked so hard for so long, so maybe it's time to just relax and appreciate what I do have rather than what I feel like I am lacking.

So the "Back to the Land of Oz" title of this may have to change at some point, but for now it will remain and I will continue to seek adventures on the high plains.  I do have a new respect for this state and the hearty people who live here.   I often think they are tougher people than I am!

I promise I won't go 5 months without blogging again, but for now, this will have to suffice.   I will try to catch you up on some of the things that have happened around here - though I think all of the weird discoveries have already been stumbled upon.  I'll try not to whine or be sad, but no guarantees I can pull that off consistently.  Mostly, I will just try to be me and to share my life with you as I continue on this crazy, messed up journey.

Now as for the song I picked for today, it's a song called "Learned a Lot" by Amos Lee.   While it's a song about a failed relationship, it just seemed too perfect for how I feel.  I guess perhaps my song is sung to my failed relationship with this house, this town, this state, my own personal searching.  I have indeed been "broken down on my bedroom floor", but more importantly, I have learned a lot and I will try to keep those lessons with me from this point on.