Last Monday was my 51st birthday. As my gift, I got Brad and the dogs who came back to Wichita. While the dogs now remain, Brads stay was only about 4 days. We both felt a little safer with them here with me. As much as I liked the freedom of not having to worry about taking care of them, the love that they provide me is so worth the effort. Their life is a "little less good" here but they are doing their job and hopefully soon enough we can all move west. They mostly spend it indoors since it's been over 100 degrees every day, but they have gotten to swim a handful of times which they LOVE! So far I must say that birthdays in my fiftieth decade have not been so great - here's to hoping that 52 is a good one!
It was wonderful having Brad home, even though it was all too short. I really, really tried not to cry every day ...... but I did. He understood and I think in one sense I just needed to get it all out while he was here as I have been pretty good since he left. It felt like such balance in life when he was back though - noise in the house, dirty sinks and more than anything what I realized I had missed the most was the sound of his laughter. Whether it was him in the other room watching TV or us sharing a story or something, I had forgotten how the happy sound of laughter is like a balm to the wounded soul. We pretended for a few days that it was all good. Which I think helped me prepare for when he left last Friday.
It's a different kind of quiet here now. I don't have the laughter but I have the dogs who bark at things outside and let me know they will protect me (unless of course you come, and then they would simply lick you to death, but thugs don't know that!). I don't mind the barking these days and even happily let them out to see what's up. We have had no more problems or mischief and I am sure it was simply a teenage crime of opportunity, but then again there was that lesson that I learned .........
After Brad left I decided I needed to start living my life instead of just surviving it. I realized that I had simply been "getting through" my days with the basic goal of just being able to count one more off. Really not the kind of goals I have had in the past, so I am trying to change that. I am trying to slow down and be present in my own life. Trying to find at least one thing to be grateful for each day, one thing of beauty to enjoy, at least one positive thing about each day. So far I am doing pretty good and it can range anywhere from my lone eggplant growing in my heat stressed garden to today when I realized how beautiful the water lilies in my pond are. Just one thing each day .... and I find that it then makes it easier to see more.
In search of something beautiful the day after Brad left, I took off on a solo road trip to a field of sunflowers he'd told me he had passed on the freeway. He had even told me the exact exit they were at. I love sunflowers, so I was willing to drive 170 miles to find them. I needed to find them. I needed something beautiful desperately that day. And suddenly there they were! It took my breath away! It even brought me to tears because everything here is so brown and parched and drought stricken, and here was this sea of sunflowers calling to me! Yes, it was private property I am sure, but I figured I couldn't do any harm with just a camera, so I worked my way back to where I could get to them, set up my camera and tripod and spent a half hour taking pictures. Even used the self timer to prove I was actually there! And the pictures turned out beautifully. I could not have asked for a better day - blue skies, fluffy white clouds, sunflowers. Temperatures under 100 would have been nice but it didn't matter.
When I had gotten my fill of sunflowers, I headed to Hays to eat lunch at a local brewery (of course!) and had a wonderful nostalgic lunch and a great beer! I felt like I had stepped back in time when I saw Fried Bologna Sandwich on the menu! Oh the memories!! I had to have it ..... and it was good!
Rejuvenated, I headed back home, but my heart was definitely a little lighter.
Mom is doing better, She spent about 5 days in the hospital and is on some new meds that really seem to be helping. I went back down Monday for three days and while she is still tired and weak, I see slow steady progress. Recovery simply takes longer when you are 89. Several of my siblings have gone to help her out, so having a large family can really help in times of crisis. I will most likely go back down for a visit in a few weeks and see how she is doing but at least I feel like there is hope, where I was feeling pretty bleak before.
So I am planning out my coming months with the expectation of living my life to the fullest extent that I can. I have another road trip planned tomorrow and there will be more to come after that. I had thought about taking some classes at Wichita State and even went ahead and applied and got in, but think I will wait on that for now. But I am going to take a refresher stained glass class that starts this week and a few other art type classes soon. Perhaps I can create some of my own beauty.
So if you find yourself near Wichita, come visit. The dogs and I would love to have you! If we don't answer the door, come out back - we're probably in the pool!
The song I chose to post today is a song by The Refugees called "You Plant Your Fields". I love the sound of these three women and the meaning in this song. It is as much about harvesting what is is your heart as it is about what is in the fields. And around here, we are definitely praying for rain! I will try to remember to harvest on a daily basis. And of course with the sunflowers, it seemed even more perfect! Enjoy!
Friday, August 3, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Holding up the sky ....
... and then it got crazier....
A friend has often asked me if I make this stuff up, but I have told her that I am not creative enough to do it and that apparently the old saying is true: life is stranger than fiction.....
I had a good week last week. Went swimming every day, went and heard a woman talk about an inspirational run she did DOWN Mt. Everest (it is now on the bucket list!), had the Open House which was well attended and then got to have a girls night in after with my friend Kathy. I worked on a few "artsy" projects and got ideas for a few more. I had gotten to the point that I must admit that I was having a good time here in the house alone! Sleep in when I wanted, eat what I want, when I want ..... This is maybe not so bad!!!
My plan was that I then was going to go spend a few days with my Mom this week, so I loaded up the truck with stuff I thought I might want or need (she always has that "honey do" list for me!). Headed out later than I thought, but all still good on Monday afternoon. For reasons I cannot explain, about 3/4 of the way there, I started to get an uneasy feeling ... looking around and wondering how many more times I would make this trip. I chalked it up to the fact that I would soon be moving so I was just sort of going through the process of all of that. Once I got to Mom's house, I worried a little more as she looked completely exhausted and was not feeling well. She has a long history of upper GI and esophagus issues, and it was rearing it's ugly head again. The next couple of days were a bit better but she still didn't feel great and on the day I left, she seemed to be having a bad morning. She wanted to go do her volunteer work so I dropped her off and had decided to take a leisurely trip home - taking some pictures and seeing sights along the way. I had been gone maybe 45 minutes when I got a concerned call from my sister who had received a concerned call from where she volunteers. Long story short, I turned around and went back. Called Mom's doctor and got her in that afternoon. No definitive diagnosis but waiting on blood work results and probably dehydrated. She seemed like she would be okay with my sister checking on her, so I decided I wanted to go home. I left her with instructions that she HAD to drink!
No sightseeing on the way home this time, Just wanted to get here. Made a stop or two and got home around 7 p.m. ...... only to find that my house had been vandalized! A couple of small/odd/insignificant things taken from the yard, but the most upsetting thing is that they had spray painted on the side of my house - "rich people suck". Personally I think vandals suck! I while I know that I am fortunate, I have a hard time thinking of myself as rich. There are many in the neighborhood who are, but we always laugh and say we sort of dropped the value when we moved in! I walked around the house and saw no other damage or any sign that they had tried to break in. Upsetting for sure, but chalked it up to stupid teenagers. So after a very long, very exhausting and very upsetting day, I finally went to bed.
I woke the next morning and headed out to an appointment at 9, only to find when I pulled out of the garage at 9 that there was either something I missed or they had come back. Painted on my garage door was a lovely word for a female dog. Seriously? Have they MET me?!?!?
Now it feels personal..... now it feels like a violation of my space..... now I am struggling. Filed police reports, pictures taken. I hired a rent a cop for a couple of nights to babysit the house and hang out in my yard to watch for stuff - asked him the second night to NOT be seen in case they wanted to try to return, I wanted him to catch them. Of course all was quiet.
So I have pressure washed - didn't work. Primed the side of the house with wood siding and repainted. Garage door - not as easy but chemical remover seems to have taken it off. Evidence gone but trauma still remains. No one saw anything, no neighbors had any damage. Who knows.......
But it was a reality check. How long do I really want to be here alone? Not as long as I thought. As I write this, Brad is on his way back here with the dogs and they will stay with me until I move. He should be here tomorrow night and will return to Utah on Friday. And maybe, just maybe, we are going to pick a date that I will move, regardless of selling the house.
I refer to the quote from Christopher Robin in my last blog entry..... maybe I am not braver than I believe..... It just all feels like too much. It does indeed feel like I am holding up the weight of the sky.... and maybe I am not stronger than I seem.......
Mom is doing better but it's obvious that we are entering the stages of her life where mostly it involves loses. She ended up admitted to the hospital, where she remains right now - and as much as I want to go and be with her, I feel like I have to stay and guard the house! She has started the process of going through her things and trying to decide what she wants to keep or discard, who she wants to give them to .... a literal paring down of 89 years. It's a little hard to watch, but she is handling it with grace. This week, she decided she will no longer drive and we are on the list for an assisted living cottage.... Perhaps she is dealing with it better than I am ......
So ...... the song I chose for tonight is by Mary Chapin Carpenter, who I went and saw in concert with a good friend tonight. She didn't sing this particular song, but I thought in honor of the concert that I would choose one of her songs and this one seemed to fit. There have been moments in the last week where it has indeed felt like the sky was falling and I had to hold it up. I am not giving up. It will get better. I will be okay. I will be stronger than I seem...... and I will continue to learn .......
A friend has often asked me if I make this stuff up, but I have told her that I am not creative enough to do it and that apparently the old saying is true: life is stranger than fiction.....
I had a good week last week. Went swimming every day, went and heard a woman talk about an inspirational run she did DOWN Mt. Everest (it is now on the bucket list!), had the Open House which was well attended and then got to have a girls night in after with my friend Kathy. I worked on a few "artsy" projects and got ideas for a few more. I had gotten to the point that I must admit that I was having a good time here in the house alone! Sleep in when I wanted, eat what I want, when I want ..... This is maybe not so bad!!!
My plan was that I then was going to go spend a few days with my Mom this week, so I loaded up the truck with stuff I thought I might want or need (she always has that "honey do" list for me!). Headed out later than I thought, but all still good on Monday afternoon. For reasons I cannot explain, about 3/4 of the way there, I started to get an uneasy feeling ... looking around and wondering how many more times I would make this trip. I chalked it up to the fact that I would soon be moving so I was just sort of going through the process of all of that. Once I got to Mom's house, I worried a little more as she looked completely exhausted and was not feeling well. She has a long history of upper GI and esophagus issues, and it was rearing it's ugly head again. The next couple of days were a bit better but she still didn't feel great and on the day I left, she seemed to be having a bad morning. She wanted to go do her volunteer work so I dropped her off and had decided to take a leisurely trip home - taking some pictures and seeing sights along the way. I had been gone maybe 45 minutes when I got a concerned call from my sister who had received a concerned call from where she volunteers. Long story short, I turned around and went back. Called Mom's doctor and got her in that afternoon. No definitive diagnosis but waiting on blood work results and probably dehydrated. She seemed like she would be okay with my sister checking on her, so I decided I wanted to go home. I left her with instructions that she HAD to drink!
No sightseeing on the way home this time, Just wanted to get here. Made a stop or two and got home around 7 p.m. ...... only to find that my house had been vandalized! A couple of small/odd/insignificant things taken from the yard, but the most upsetting thing is that they had spray painted on the side of my house - "rich people suck". Personally I think vandals suck! I while I know that I am fortunate, I have a hard time thinking of myself as rich. There are many in the neighborhood who are, but we always laugh and say we sort of dropped the value when we moved in! I walked around the house and saw no other damage or any sign that they had tried to break in. Upsetting for sure, but chalked it up to stupid teenagers. So after a very long, very exhausting and very upsetting day, I finally went to bed.
I woke the next morning and headed out to an appointment at 9, only to find when I pulled out of the garage at 9 that there was either something I missed or they had come back. Painted on my garage door was a lovely word for a female dog. Seriously? Have they MET me?!?!?
Now it feels personal..... now it feels like a violation of my space..... now I am struggling. Filed police reports, pictures taken. I hired a rent a cop for a couple of nights to babysit the house and hang out in my yard to watch for stuff - asked him the second night to NOT be seen in case they wanted to try to return, I wanted him to catch them. Of course all was quiet.
So I have pressure washed - didn't work. Primed the side of the house with wood siding and repainted. Garage door - not as easy but chemical remover seems to have taken it off. Evidence gone but trauma still remains. No one saw anything, no neighbors had any damage. Who knows.......
But it was a reality check. How long do I really want to be here alone? Not as long as I thought. As I write this, Brad is on his way back here with the dogs and they will stay with me until I move. He should be here tomorrow night and will return to Utah on Friday. And maybe, just maybe, we are going to pick a date that I will move, regardless of selling the house.
I refer to the quote from Christopher Robin in my last blog entry..... maybe I am not braver than I believe..... It just all feels like too much. It does indeed feel like I am holding up the weight of the sky.... and maybe I am not stronger than I seem.......
Mom is doing better but it's obvious that we are entering the stages of her life where mostly it involves loses. She ended up admitted to the hospital, where she remains right now - and as much as I want to go and be with her, I feel like I have to stay and guard the house! She has started the process of going through her things and trying to decide what she wants to keep or discard, who she wants to give them to .... a literal paring down of 89 years. It's a little hard to watch, but she is handling it with grace. This week, she decided she will no longer drive and we are on the list for an assisted living cottage.... Perhaps she is dealing with it better than I am ......
So ...... the song I chose for tonight is by Mary Chapin Carpenter, who I went and saw in concert with a good friend tonight. She didn't sing this particular song, but I thought in honor of the concert that I would choose one of her songs and this one seemed to fit. There have been moments in the last week where it has indeed felt like the sky was falling and I had to hold it up. I am not giving up. It will get better. I will be okay. I will be stronger than I seem...... and I will continue to learn .......
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Learned a Lot .....
Wow ..... I don't even know where to begin .......
It has been 147 days - almost 5 months - since I last blogged and it feels like it was another lifetime. So much has happened and changed that there is no way that I can catch you up, so in one sense, I suppose I won't even really try. I just read the last entry I made and things seemed to be moving along wonderfully at that point, didn't they?!
I think the working title for this particular blog entry will be "Learned a Lot". It is the song I have chosen as my music today (more on that later) and the thread that seems to be most prevalent in my life for the last several months as well. I have indeed learned a lot.
I have learned that nothing is permanent.
Not jobs or happiness or sadness or houses.
Since I last wrote, Brad and I made the decision to sell the house and move back to Salt Lake City. (Pick up your jaw and keep reading ..... there is more....). He just was not happy with the job here in Wichita and it didn't seem like it was going to get better. We were also finding that we both truly missed the great outdoors and the mountains. About the time that we realized we needed to make a change, they actually offered him is old job back in Utah! Karma? So I worked like a crazed lunatic on the master bathroom and bedroom remodel - hired some help for things I couldn't handle or needed help with - and got it completely done in about 2 months. Our house officially went on the market on May 7th. I am happy with how the bathroom turned out but it was almost the death of me and I think it might have cured me from ever wanting to do a major remodel again. Brad sure hopes so and right now I do too. I will post pictures at a later time.....
The house as been on the market since May 7th. That is 66 days. We have had 13 showings, 7875 website viewings and will have our first open house on Sunday. No offers so far and we just dropped the price $25K this week, which officially means that every dime we have put into this house we have now lost......... it is heartbreaking. Someone take my house .... please! You can have it for basically what we paid for it and I have made it a thousand times better! When the realtor asked me to list the upgrades we had made it was almost comical....... the list was a complete single spaced typed page!
So I learned that I am spoiled.... this is the 5th house we have sold and every other one sold in one week or less. I am trying to learn patience......
Another thing I learned it that sometimes you have to hit the bottom in order to start the climb back up. Not going to lie .... the last few months have been brutal in many ways. It's been hard physically, mentally, emotionally and every other word that ends in "-lly". Change has never been the easiest thing for me and to move twice in one year has been tough. But we came to the point where we realized that it wasn't going to work and staying longer wasn't going to make it any better so it was time to rip the band aid off. Brad has been an angel and has been so supportive of me as I have struggled through this process - whether it was doing the physical work of the remodel or the mental work needed to move on to the next phase. The poor man has seen me cry buckets of tears. Some sad, some happy, but all of them heavy with emotion. Thank you Brad for being my human Kleenex! (okay, that just sounds gross, but you know what I mean!) It does feel like I hit bottom along the way, but the climb up is definitely progressing.
I have also learned that some things are sacred. While I have prided myself on pretty much sharing just about everything when I blogged, I have learned that there are some things that are mine and mine alone. I do not have to share them, even though some of them may shape who I am, who I will be and the course of my life from this point on. It does not make me any less genuine by keeping those things for myself. I am still me.
There is a quote by Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh where he says, "Promise me you'll always remember ... You're braver than you believe, and stronger that you seem and smarter than you think." That is what I am telling myself these days.
As I write this, Brad and the two dogs are now living in Salt Lake City, Utah. We rented a UHaul and loaded it up with things for his "bachelor pad" and then made the two day drive west with the help of our oldest son, Matt. He has already started his "new old job" at Primary Children's Medical Center and already I can feel the happiness radiating from him, back doing what he loves. Neither of us is completely sure why we left in the first place but what's done is done. We are renting a house there for a year from a friend but the plan is that I will stay here in Wichita until the house sells. It just requires enough regular upkeep that I didn't feel comfortable leaving it. We made the choice for the dogs to go with him for several reasons - not the least of which is that the weather is so much better and already they have been hiking twice and gone swimming in mountain lakes! They are HAPPY dogs!
And my plan for the next few months is to explore. With all this freedom and no one dependent on me, it's the perfect time. I have decided I want to go see all of the houses I lived in when I was growing up (I know they will all seem small now!), I want to visit some places I have never seen here in Kansas before I leave. I may make some road trips, visit friends and family or I may just lay on the couch for a few days and read a book. The world is my oyster.
I have also re-discovered my love for writing poetry and writing in general. It is something I have circled around to several times in my life and so I think it's trying to tell me that it's something I need to nurture a little more. I am thinking of taking some classes at Wichita State if I am still here in the Fall. And I want to learn to paint! Not a room or a house but a picture! I might not be any good, but another thing I am learning is that it will be good enough.
I guess the biggest lesson that I have learned - and continue to learn - is that what matters most is people and relationships. I think I had this grand illusion of "coming home", but yet I am finding that I don't really know where home is. I have had 21 addresses in my lifetime......... so home can be hard to define for me. But one day Brad said to me as he patted his chest where his heart lay beneath, "this is where home is". And he's right. He is the foundation of my home and my boys are the framing and all my friends and family are what fill it. I feel as though I have looked so hard for so long, so maybe it's time to just relax and appreciate what I do have rather than what I feel like I am lacking.
So the "Back to the Land of Oz" title of this may have to change at some point, but for now it will remain and I will continue to seek adventures on the high plains. I do have a new respect for this state and the hearty people who live here. I often think they are tougher people than I am!
I promise I won't go 5 months without blogging again, but for now, this will have to suffice. I will try to catch you up on some of the things that have happened around here - though I think all of the weird discoveries have already been stumbled upon. I'll try not to whine or be sad, but no guarantees I can pull that off consistently. Mostly, I will just try to be me and to share my life with you as I continue on this crazy, messed up journey.
Now as for the song I picked for today, it's a song called "Learned a Lot" by Amos Lee. While it's a song about a failed relationship, it just seemed too perfect for how I feel. I guess perhaps my song is sung to my failed relationship with this house, this town, this state, my own personal searching. I have indeed been "broken down on my bedroom floor", but more importantly, I have learned a lot and I will try to keep those lessons with me from this point on.
It has been 147 days - almost 5 months - since I last blogged and it feels like it was another lifetime. So much has happened and changed that there is no way that I can catch you up, so in one sense, I suppose I won't even really try. I just read the last entry I made and things seemed to be moving along wonderfully at that point, didn't they?!
I think the working title for this particular blog entry will be "Learned a Lot". It is the song I have chosen as my music today (more on that later) and the thread that seems to be most prevalent in my life for the last several months as well. I have indeed learned a lot.
I have learned that nothing is permanent.
Not jobs or happiness or sadness or houses.
Since I last wrote, Brad and I made the decision to sell the house and move back to Salt Lake City. (Pick up your jaw and keep reading ..... there is more....). He just was not happy with the job here in Wichita and it didn't seem like it was going to get better. We were also finding that we both truly missed the great outdoors and the mountains. About the time that we realized we needed to make a change, they actually offered him is old job back in Utah! Karma? So I worked like a crazed lunatic on the master bathroom and bedroom remodel - hired some help for things I couldn't handle or needed help with - and got it completely done in about 2 months. Our house officially went on the market on May 7th. I am happy with how the bathroom turned out but it was almost the death of me and I think it might have cured me from ever wanting to do a major remodel again. Brad sure hopes so and right now I do too. I will post pictures at a later time.....
The house as been on the market since May 7th. That is 66 days. We have had 13 showings, 7875 website viewings and will have our first open house on Sunday. No offers so far and we just dropped the price $25K this week, which officially means that every dime we have put into this house we have now lost......... it is heartbreaking. Someone take my house .... please! You can have it for basically what we paid for it and I have made it a thousand times better! When the realtor asked me to list the upgrades we had made it was almost comical....... the list was a complete single spaced typed page!
So I learned that I am spoiled.... this is the 5th house we have sold and every other one sold in one week or less. I am trying to learn patience......
Another thing I learned it that sometimes you have to hit the bottom in order to start the climb back up. Not going to lie .... the last few months have been brutal in many ways. It's been hard physically, mentally, emotionally and every other word that ends in "-lly". Change has never been the easiest thing for me and to move twice in one year has been tough. But we came to the point where we realized that it wasn't going to work and staying longer wasn't going to make it any better so it was time to rip the band aid off. Brad has been an angel and has been so supportive of me as I have struggled through this process - whether it was doing the physical work of the remodel or the mental work needed to move on to the next phase. The poor man has seen me cry buckets of tears. Some sad, some happy, but all of them heavy with emotion. Thank you Brad for being my human Kleenex! (okay, that just sounds gross, but you know what I mean!) It does feel like I hit bottom along the way, but the climb up is definitely progressing.
I have also learned that some things are sacred. While I have prided myself on pretty much sharing just about everything when I blogged, I have learned that there are some things that are mine and mine alone. I do not have to share them, even though some of them may shape who I am, who I will be and the course of my life from this point on. It does not make me any less genuine by keeping those things for myself. I am still me.
There is a quote by Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh where he says, "Promise me you'll always remember ... You're braver than you believe, and stronger that you seem and smarter than you think." That is what I am telling myself these days.
As I write this, Brad and the two dogs are now living in Salt Lake City, Utah. We rented a UHaul and loaded it up with things for his "bachelor pad" and then made the two day drive west with the help of our oldest son, Matt. He has already started his "new old job" at Primary Children's Medical Center and already I can feel the happiness radiating from him, back doing what he loves. Neither of us is completely sure why we left in the first place but what's done is done. We are renting a house there for a year from a friend but the plan is that I will stay here in Wichita until the house sells. It just requires enough regular upkeep that I didn't feel comfortable leaving it. We made the choice for the dogs to go with him for several reasons - not the least of which is that the weather is so much better and already they have been hiking twice and gone swimming in mountain lakes! They are HAPPY dogs!
And my plan for the next few months is to explore. With all this freedom and no one dependent on me, it's the perfect time. I have decided I want to go see all of the houses I lived in when I was growing up (I know they will all seem small now!), I want to visit some places I have never seen here in Kansas before I leave. I may make some road trips, visit friends and family or I may just lay on the couch for a few days and read a book. The world is my oyster.
I have also re-discovered my love for writing poetry and writing in general. It is something I have circled around to several times in my life and so I think it's trying to tell me that it's something I need to nurture a little more. I am thinking of taking some classes at Wichita State if I am still here in the Fall. And I want to learn to paint! Not a room or a house but a picture! I might not be any good, but another thing I am learning is that it will be good enough.
I guess the biggest lesson that I have learned - and continue to learn - is that what matters most is people and relationships. I think I had this grand illusion of "coming home", but yet I am finding that I don't really know where home is. I have had 21 addresses in my lifetime......... so home can be hard to define for me. But one day Brad said to me as he patted his chest where his heart lay beneath, "this is where home is". And he's right. He is the foundation of my home and my boys are the framing and all my friends and family are what fill it. I feel as though I have looked so hard for so long, so maybe it's time to just relax and appreciate what I do have rather than what I feel like I am lacking.
So the "Back to the Land of Oz" title of this may have to change at some point, but for now it will remain and I will continue to seek adventures on the high plains. I do have a new respect for this state and the hearty people who live here. I often think they are tougher people than I am!
I promise I won't go 5 months without blogging again, but for now, this will have to suffice. I will try to catch you up on some of the things that have happened around here - though I think all of the weird discoveries have already been stumbled upon. I'll try not to whine or be sad, but no guarantees I can pull that off consistently. Mostly, I will just try to be me and to share my life with you as I continue on this crazy, messed up journey.
Now as for the song I picked for today, it's a song called "Learned a Lot" by Amos Lee. While it's a song about a failed relationship, it just seemed too perfect for how I feel. I guess perhaps my song is sung to my failed relationship with this house, this town, this state, my own personal searching. I have indeed been "broken down on my bedroom floor", but more importantly, I have learned a lot and I will try to keep those lessons with me from this point on.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
So a girl walks into a barn .......
Well, I did it! I found my barn! For any of you who weren't aware of it, I have been on a quest to find a barn to salvage and to use the barn wood in the remodel of my house. I have had this idea for several years now - even before I bought this house, but thinking that some day I would do this. So now that I have started the demo of the bathroom, I began looking in earnest.
Who knew there were entire websites where people could list their barn for sale?! Not me until I stumbled across them. I wrote to several people who had barns listed, asked some questions and asked for photos. Some were way too big - didn't need that much wood or the challenge of trying to take it apart. Some were over priced, .... no thank you. Then I found a simple listing and sent a note and got a reply back with some photos. It seemed to be a reasonable size and the price was unbelievably low! I am not sure how this one didn't get snatched up but I will just look at it as my gain. And what is really weird, is that I have gone back on all of the sites I was on and I can't find the listing so I can't even remember where I found it! (I know, I know, there are those out there reading this who are now just SURE that this is a scam, but I promise it's not!). It has wide board siding and some beams on the interior as well (some just had 2x4 framing), so I was even more excited. I have spoken on the phone with the owner, so I know it's legitimate. She and her sisters inherited the property after several deaths in the family and need to sell it.
As of right now, the hopeful plan is to salvage it around St. Patrick's Day. The barn is actually in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, which will be a 9 hour drive for me but it seemed worth it. My son Jeff is only 5 hours away so he is planning on coming as well and I am officially inviting anyone who wants to experience the decommissioning of a barn to join me. Nope, I have no idea what I am doing but I will do it to the best of my abilities and will never sacrifice the safety of myself or anyone else for this project. I should be quite a sight driving down the highway pulling a load of barn wood in a trailer soon, huh?! If you are interested in joining in, let me know!! Oh yeah -and how weird is it that the sister who lives there in town lives on CONNIE STREET?!?!??! There goes that serendipity again!!!
So that's the biggest news I guess. The shower demolition was completed the day after I last wrote and all I can say is that the shower pan was NASTY! Let's just say that a mortar shower pan subjected to years of moisture that leaked for who knows how long grows some really ugly stuff!! The good news is that since it was so wet it made it break up better and I could haul it out in pieces! The air feels so much cleaner in there already. Next up will be to demo the rest of the bathroom, which should happen the last week of February when Brad goes out of town again. No way can I get the giant bath tub out so I have hired some guys to help me with that, but I will attempt to do as much of the rest as I can. So far the cost has been a whopping $15 for one trip to the landfill with a truck bed full of debris!! Well, and the cost of a massage a couple of days later, which I totally felt like I had earned! Once the bathroom vanity, tub and toilet are out, I can tear out all of the drywall and figure out a better way to lay out the room - hopefully without having to make any structural changes. I bought a computer program to help me design it which just arrived yesterday so I am anxious to try that out. (I wonder if they have a barn wood application in it?!). Also went to the Home Show so I got all kinds of fun ideas! Uh oh ..........
So besides the house, we got to celebrate Valentines Day! We are not usually ones for man made holidays but decided that we should go out this year so went to a great wine bar here that had a wine dinner where they matched each menu item with a wine. Had some really good food and wine! And of course my company at the table was the best part. Happy Valentines Day to my one and only. He is definitely a keeper - for my gift he actually got me a painting that an elephant did at the Sedgwick County Zoo! How freakin' cool is that?!?!?
So things are going well! Got another electric bill and they just get lower and lower each month! Definitely doing some things right and I guess all of those little things that I am doing all the time are adding up. Those cans of spray foam insulation have been a blessing on some occasions! I REALLY don't want to have to turn on the pond pump and the air conditioners again, but the time will come and we will do what we can to make it better.
The song I chose today is one I have liked for a long time but it definitely fits the bill for the theme of the house lately. It's by a lady named Cindy Bullens who I first heard as an opening act for someone we went to see in San Diego. I loved her right away and bought three of her CD's that night. This song is called "Hammer and Nails". It kind of speaks to building your life, your love and your home the right way! Here's to hammers and nails - and lately crowbars!!!
Who knew there were entire websites where people could list their barn for sale?! Not me until I stumbled across them. I wrote to several people who had barns listed, asked some questions and asked for photos. Some were way too big - didn't need that much wood or the challenge of trying to take it apart. Some were over priced, .... no thank you. Then I found a simple listing and sent a note and got a reply back with some photos. It seemed to be a reasonable size and the price was unbelievably low! I am not sure how this one didn't get snatched up but I will just look at it as my gain. And what is really weird, is that I have gone back on all of the sites I was on and I can't find the listing so I can't even remember where I found it! (I know, I know, there are those out there reading this who are now just SURE that this is a scam, but I promise it's not!). It has wide board siding and some beams on the interior as well (some just had 2x4 framing), so I was even more excited. I have spoken on the phone with the owner, so I know it's legitimate. She and her sisters inherited the property after several deaths in the family and need to sell it.
As of right now, the hopeful plan is to salvage it around St. Patrick's Day. The barn is actually in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, which will be a 9 hour drive for me but it seemed worth it. My son Jeff is only 5 hours away so he is planning on coming as well and I am officially inviting anyone who wants to experience the decommissioning of a barn to join me. Nope, I have no idea what I am doing but I will do it to the best of my abilities and will never sacrifice the safety of myself or anyone else for this project. I should be quite a sight driving down the highway pulling a load of barn wood in a trailer soon, huh?! If you are interested in joining in, let me know!! Oh yeah -and how weird is it that the sister who lives there in town lives on CONNIE STREET?!?!??! There goes that serendipity again!!!
So that's the biggest news I guess. The shower demolition was completed the day after I last wrote and all I can say is that the shower pan was NASTY! Let's just say that a mortar shower pan subjected to years of moisture that leaked for who knows how long grows some really ugly stuff!! The good news is that since it was so wet it made it break up better and I could haul it out in pieces! The air feels so much cleaner in there already. Next up will be to demo the rest of the bathroom, which should happen the last week of February when Brad goes out of town again. No way can I get the giant bath tub out so I have hired some guys to help me with that, but I will attempt to do as much of the rest as I can. So far the cost has been a whopping $15 for one trip to the landfill with a truck bed full of debris!! Well, and the cost of a massage a couple of days later, which I totally felt like I had earned! Once the bathroom vanity, tub and toilet are out, I can tear out all of the drywall and figure out a better way to lay out the room - hopefully without having to make any structural changes. I bought a computer program to help me design it which just arrived yesterday so I am anxious to try that out. (I wonder if they have a barn wood application in it?!). Also went to the Home Show so I got all kinds of fun ideas! Uh oh ..........
So besides the house, we got to celebrate Valentines Day! We are not usually ones for man made holidays but decided that we should go out this year so went to a great wine bar here that had a wine dinner where they matched each menu item with a wine. Had some really good food and wine! And of course my company at the table was the best part. Happy Valentines Day to my one and only. He is definitely a keeper - for my gift he actually got me a painting that an elephant did at the Sedgwick County Zoo! How freakin' cool is that?!?!?
So things are going well! Got another electric bill and they just get lower and lower each month! Definitely doing some things right and I guess all of those little things that I am doing all the time are adding up. Those cans of spray foam insulation have been a blessing on some occasions! I REALLY don't want to have to turn on the pond pump and the air conditioners again, but the time will come and we will do what we can to make it better.
The song I chose today is one I have liked for a long time but it definitely fits the bill for the theme of the house lately. It's by a lady named Cindy Bullens who I first heard as an opening act for someone we went to see in San Diego. I loved her right away and bought three of her CD's that night. This song is called "Hammer and Nails". It kind of speaks to building your life, your love and your home the right way! Here's to hammers and nails - and lately crowbars!!!
Monday, February 6, 2012
.....If I had a hammer ...... I take out the $#%&@ shower!!!!
I have decided I am just not normal. While that may not be a revelation to many of you reading this, I have these moments now and then when I realize just how true that is. I spent most of today covered in sawdust, bits of tile and all kinds of things that I prefer not to think about - and I was happy! It was demo day!
Last time I wrote I mentioned the master bedroom shower had become non-functional due to a leaking shower pan. Well, Brad has been out of town and he HATES demolition messes, so I decided it was a good time to get rid of that nasty old shower. What I did not realize is that this particular shower was built to withstand Armageddon, an earthquake and a nuclear blast. Translation: it wasn't easy! Figures - the one thing in the house that I need gone is well built ..... other than, of course, the leaking shower pan part of it. So I have spent the last three days working on getting this thing out of my bathroom. In my head, this was supposed to take me a day and a half, two days tops. I am on day 3 and have about another half days work to go (see Armageddon reference above) and have a mountain of debris outside my door. Honestly, I have seen small houses with less lumber! It reminds me of a dog house my father built for our small dog once --- it took four grown men to lift it!! It's probably still in the backyard of that rental house we lived in! What's the saying - go big or go home!!!!
The good news in this mess is that it feels like progress!! FINALLY I am doing something that will actually lead to an improvement and something better and what I hoped for when I bought this house! Most of my time here has been spent putting my finger in the dike to prevent hemorrhaging but THIS is progress. I finally have something I can begin to get excited about - trust me I have run about 14 different layouts for this bathroom through my head already. Still not sure of the timing of this whole thing as it could be anywhere from next month to this summer, but I will settle for baby steps for now. Gone is good!
But as always, there are discoveries when you delve into "the underbelly" of this house. While these ones are minor, I have discovered that there is a part of me that looks forward to finding these quirky little "gifts" and I wonder what I will do when there are no more to be found. The most recent ones? A Jolly Rancher wrapper and a Monopoly house. Sounds benign enough, but still ....... can anyone explain to me exactly how a wrapper from a lemon Jolly Rancher got behind the cement backerboard of a tiled shower?! Intentional? Accidental? All I know is that it made me smile..... or perhaps more of a smirk. Again, I am not normal - most people probably wouldn't even notice it, but I had to sit and ponder .......
But the Monopoly house definitely made me smile. I was looking around the house to try to find out where to shut off the water supply to the shower so the pipes could be cut and capped. I opened up a small door that leads to a crawlspace and noticed something small and green. Shining my light on it, it turned out to be a plastic house from a Monopoly game. But this house was laying on it's side and for some weird reason, the first thing I thought of was that maybe this was related to the bad karma of the house and now that I found it and could "fix" it, better things were in store. (Again, see note above about "not normal"......) This one really puzzles me as it would not be a place that games would be stored (crawlspace, dirt floors, dirty), so how on earth did this thing get here?! I literally looked up the definition for serendipty and it said "an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident". Holy cow! I live in the House of Serendipity!!!! Okay, okay, not all of the discoveries have been desirable but ......
So I plan on doing something with this little green plastic house. (Is it destiny that Brad and I have decide on the exterior color of the house and have chosen green?!) Not sure what.... maybe a necklace.... or some sort of little shrine.... or add it the collection of oddities for the Museum of Fairfield Lane? I am just hoping that now that I have put it in a safe location in an upright position that things are looking up!
Other than the shower, the house seems to be holding it's own for now. I actually don't cry when we get electric bills anymore and they are actually continuing to decrease, even with the colder weather - although that is another story as it's been unseasonably warm. I'll take it. I am making progress, even if it's not as fast as I want. Did some big time repairs to the front entry atrium (repaired a leaking skylight, drywall replacement, huge gaps to the exterior, sanded off about a bazillion suckers from vines from the wood, repainted windows and molding) and in another week or so I should be totally done with it - finally!!!
I'm trying to have a life outside of the house and started a Yoga class and continue to take some classes on fusing glass, which I have found I truly love. Something about colored glass that just does it for me and to be able to create my own things is really fun. I can't wait to go again on Wednesday and see if my house numbers I did in glass turned out!
There have been things other than the house too. I made one more trip to Indianapolis in January for Jeff's final football banquet. Every mother deserves to hear people gush about her son! I am so proud of everything he accomplised in his four and a half years at Butler - both on and off the field. And for the second year in a row, he was given the Bulldog Pride Award, which is given to the player who best exemplifies "The Butler Way". In a nutshell, it just means he's a great guy, a role model, a leader and total team player. What more can a Mom ask for!
Brad and I got to go the KU vs. Baylor game - great game that set records for the loudest game ever I think! It was so fun and so amazing to be able to be a part of it! I spent a few days in Pittsburg with my Mom as she had another surgery for her glaucoma and had to have a shunt put in one of her eyes to reduce the pressure. She is such a trooper and a real inspiration. She never complains. I hope to be able to get there more often now that football traveling is over.
So that is life here at 1501 Fairfield Lane for now. It's 1 a.m. and I probably ought to head to bed. Brad gets home at 5 p.m. tomorrow and I am hoping I have the Demolition Disaster Area pretty well cleaned up by then. I am having a little bit of trouble with Grooveshark, which is the music component to this blog and it won't let me download the song I want - nor can I find it on their site - so I am going to have to go with a song today that I CAN find. For today, I have chosen an Amos Lee song. It's called "Bottom of the Barrel". I guess I chose it for a few reasons - I wanted a song about getting rid of the shower and getting to "the bottom of the barrel" seemed fitting, plus, the whole message of the song just sort of spoke to me ...."I keep on laughing .... it's okay if I'm crying...." Can't tell you how nice it to be able to laugh at some of this stuff again!
Oh yeah, and if you're waiting for my Christmas/Holiday cards, I still haven't sent them out yet! (she says with laughter......) I was shooting for Valentines Day but it may be more like St. Patrick's Day!!!
Last time I wrote I mentioned the master bedroom shower had become non-functional due to a leaking shower pan. Well, Brad has been out of town and he HATES demolition messes, so I decided it was a good time to get rid of that nasty old shower. What I did not realize is that this particular shower was built to withstand Armageddon, an earthquake and a nuclear blast. Translation: it wasn't easy! Figures - the one thing in the house that I need gone is well built ..... other than, of course, the leaking shower pan part of it. So I have spent the last three days working on getting this thing out of my bathroom. In my head, this was supposed to take me a day and a half, two days tops. I am on day 3 and have about another half days work to go (see Armageddon reference above) and have a mountain of debris outside my door. Honestly, I have seen small houses with less lumber! It reminds me of a dog house my father built for our small dog once --- it took four grown men to lift it!! It's probably still in the backyard of that rental house we lived in! What's the saying - go big or go home!!!!
The good news in this mess is that it feels like progress!! FINALLY I am doing something that will actually lead to an improvement and something better and what I hoped for when I bought this house! Most of my time here has been spent putting my finger in the dike to prevent hemorrhaging but THIS is progress. I finally have something I can begin to get excited about - trust me I have run about 14 different layouts for this bathroom through my head already. Still not sure of the timing of this whole thing as it could be anywhere from next month to this summer, but I will settle for baby steps for now. Gone is good!
But as always, there are discoveries when you delve into "the underbelly" of this house. While these ones are minor, I have discovered that there is a part of me that looks forward to finding these quirky little "gifts" and I wonder what I will do when there are no more to be found. The most recent ones? A Jolly Rancher wrapper and a Monopoly house. Sounds benign enough, but still ....... can anyone explain to me exactly how a wrapper from a lemon Jolly Rancher got behind the cement backerboard of a tiled shower?! Intentional? Accidental? All I know is that it made me smile..... or perhaps more of a smirk. Again, I am not normal - most people probably wouldn't even notice it, but I had to sit and ponder .......
But the Monopoly house definitely made me smile. I was looking around the house to try to find out where to shut off the water supply to the shower so the pipes could be cut and capped. I opened up a small door that leads to a crawlspace and noticed something small and green. Shining my light on it, it turned out to be a plastic house from a Monopoly game. But this house was laying on it's side and for some weird reason, the first thing I thought of was that maybe this was related to the bad karma of the house and now that I found it and could "fix" it, better things were in store. (Again, see note above about "not normal"......) This one really puzzles me as it would not be a place that games would be stored (crawlspace, dirt floors, dirty), so how on earth did this thing get here?! I literally looked up the definition for serendipty and it said "an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident". Holy cow! I live in the House of Serendipity!!!! Okay, okay, not all of the discoveries have been desirable but ......
So I plan on doing something with this little green plastic house. (Is it destiny that Brad and I have decide on the exterior color of the house and have chosen green?!) Not sure what.... maybe a necklace.... or some sort of little shrine.... or add it the collection of oddities for the Museum of Fairfield Lane? I am just hoping that now that I have put it in a safe location in an upright position that things are looking up!
Other than the shower, the house seems to be holding it's own for now. I actually don't cry when we get electric bills anymore and they are actually continuing to decrease, even with the colder weather - although that is another story as it's been unseasonably warm. I'll take it. I am making progress, even if it's not as fast as I want. Did some big time repairs to the front entry atrium (repaired a leaking skylight, drywall replacement, huge gaps to the exterior, sanded off about a bazillion suckers from vines from the wood, repainted windows and molding) and in another week or so I should be totally done with it - finally!!!
I'm trying to have a life outside of the house and started a Yoga class and continue to take some classes on fusing glass, which I have found I truly love. Something about colored glass that just does it for me and to be able to create my own things is really fun. I can't wait to go again on Wednesday and see if my house numbers I did in glass turned out!
There have been things other than the house too. I made one more trip to Indianapolis in January for Jeff's final football banquet. Every mother deserves to hear people gush about her son! I am so proud of everything he accomplised in his four and a half years at Butler - both on and off the field. And for the second year in a row, he was given the Bulldog Pride Award, which is given to the player who best exemplifies "The Butler Way". In a nutshell, it just means he's a great guy, a role model, a leader and total team player. What more can a Mom ask for!
Brad and I got to go the KU vs. Baylor game - great game that set records for the loudest game ever I think! It was so fun and so amazing to be able to be a part of it! I spent a few days in Pittsburg with my Mom as she had another surgery for her glaucoma and had to have a shunt put in one of her eyes to reduce the pressure. She is such a trooper and a real inspiration. She never complains. I hope to be able to get there more often now that football traveling is over.
So that is life here at 1501 Fairfield Lane for now. It's 1 a.m. and I probably ought to head to bed. Brad gets home at 5 p.m. tomorrow and I am hoping I have the Demolition Disaster Area pretty well cleaned up by then. I am having a little bit of trouble with Grooveshark, which is the music component to this blog and it won't let me download the song I want - nor can I find it on their site - so I am going to have to go with a song today that I CAN find. For today, I have chosen an Amos Lee song. It's called "Bottom of the Barrel". I guess I chose it for a few reasons - I wanted a song about getting rid of the shower and getting to "the bottom of the barrel" seemed fitting, plus, the whole message of the song just sort of spoke to me ...."I keep on laughing .... it's okay if I'm crying...." Can't tell you how nice it to be able to laugh at some of this stuff again!
Oh yeah, and if you're waiting for my Christmas/Holiday cards, I still haven't sent them out yet! (she says with laughter......) I was shooting for Valentines Day but it may be more like St. Patrick's Day!!!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
....and two months later ......
Wow. Two months! That's how long it's been since the last time I blogged on here. I knew it and felt like I should get on here a few times, but for various reasons or excuses, I didn't. The excuses range from all of the holiday activities to trips taken, a bout of the flu at Thanksgiving to the nice weather outside had me working my fingers to the bone and being dog tired at the end of the day. I guess as far as reasons. there were only two: I chose not to and in some instances I just didn't know what to say........
In all honesty, it was a tough few months. Shortly after the last blog entry it was Thanksgiving and I was busily trying to get the house ready for the 25 or so family members that would be coming to the house for the big meal. Everyone was cooking so we didn't have to do the whole thing, but we smoked the turkey and did a few other dishes. There were tables to rent, centerpieces to get ready, dishes to borrow...... In the theme of my disheveled life, I used that as the decorating scheme for Thanksgiving and borrowed dishes from a friend who, as she says, "has a bit of a problem" with buying dishes. Works for me! I borrowed 4 settings of 6 different patterns and on each table used some of each. We mixed and matched silverware and even pulled out everything from wine glasses to beer mugs to martini glasses for our drink ware! I made the centerpieces from cool, old liquor bottles I had hung on to and inside of them stuck cattails from the pond, pieces of curly willow branches from my tree and cut a little green from a bush out back to give it some color. I will post a picture, I promise, just not tonight. I loved it. We even managed to get a group family photo on the fence out front before we ate at 5 - which I will post too.
Then it was time to eat and I was feeling worse by the minute. I made my attempts at sitting there and picking at the food but realized I had to give up the fight so went into my bedroom, which is where I stayed for the next 16+ hours. Took me about a week to get back to normal. Stupid flu bug! And Thanksgiving is my favorite meal of the year so I was really ticked off!!!
But perhaps one of the biggest reasons I didn't blogged because I didn't know how to explain it was what came right after Thanksgiving. I will preface it by telling you that a friend of mine posted a quote on facebook about 10 days ago that really hit home with me. The quote said: "Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak; sometimes it means you're strong enough to let go." I really needed to hear that because I felt like I had given up on something and was having a hard time forgiving myself for it.
That something was my dog, George. He entered our lives at a very tumultuous time and I am not sure it was ever really fair to him or to us. Life was chaos about then, getting ready to put our house in Utah on the market, buying a house in Kansas, moving halfway across the country to a new home and life, struggling through the early days with the money pit and traveling every weekend in the Fall. Life with George had gotten to be a challenge. He obviously had some anxiety issues and was not dealing well with us traveling so much. He had become a source of friction between Brad and I as he was "my dog" and therefore, when he got in trouble I felt like I did too. Having 3 big dogs had proven to be more than I could handle and it seemed like every aspect of my life was suffering a little, from my sleep to my outlook and even my marriage on certain days! I felt like George needed more than I could provide for him and we both deserved better. As part of the agreement with the rescue group, I had to agree that if I ever could not keep him I would return him to them. So I did. I felt like a loser and a quitter and the worse dog owner to ever walk the planet. Once the decision was made, George and I drove to Des Moines, IA for his return - him sleeping obliviously in the seat beside me and me crying most of the six hour drive. After a half hour or so there, I turned right around and drove home. 13 hours after it started, I pulled back into my driveway. He is back with my nephew and his family for now, and I think he is happy. They are around more and they have two kids at home. As another friend so aptly put it .... "George needs a boy!". So true! When I left he was chasing after their son!
I know that it was the right thing to do for us. Difficult, but right. My other two dogs actually seem happier now. Life is calmer now. Without having to worry about him constantly, I have been able to get a lot more done. Brad and I are good. I still feel like I failed him, but when I read my friend's quote it really helped me - maybe it really was that I was strong enough to let go. I had to ........
There have been a few more trips since I last wrote. We went to New Orleans with one of Brad's sisters and her husband, as well as his brother and his wife. Lots of Hurricanes helped the hurt and we got to maybe even see a few ghosts on our ghost tour. At least Marcie sure thinks we did!!!
There was another trip to Indianapolis - this time for Jeff's college Graduation! He graduated on December 18th! So very proud of him and we had a wonderful weekend with his girlfriend Michelle and even got to meet her parents who came down from Madison, Wisconsin for the event. So both of my boys are now off the family payroll and earning their own paychecks! It feels great. Jeff actually got a full time job with benefits in Indianapolis that started on January 1. He had done an internship with them for school previously, worked for them over the summer and even part time during football season. So obviously they knew what they were getting and were glad to hire him full time! He was able to come home for a week at Christmas - the final time he will get that luxury I guess!. I am actually headed back to Indiana next weekend for his final football banquet too. Then no more trips for a while for me - thank gosh!
And then of course there is the house! The whole intent of this blog! It's still here, still falling apart little by little, but Brad and I are getting a lot better about laughing about it and riding the waves when they hit. In the last two months....... let's see ...... we have had to do a complete exterior baiting of the house for termite control due to the discovery of what (we hope) is old damage, found a live mouse in the dog food - followed by a dead one a few days later in one of the traps we set. I went around the house with a can of spray foam and sealed up every obvious gaping hole that I could find in both siding and the stone wall in hopes of keeping out both cold and crittters for now!
And of course my favorite, is the night at 10 p.m., as we are getting ready for bed, that Brad says to me "Why is it so wet around the toilet?"!!! Ugh! Please tell me I don't have to do plumbing at 10 p.m. on a Friday night!!!! Thankfully it wasn't an active leak but it did turn out that the shower in the master bedroom has a cracked shower pan and is no longer usable, so Brad and I are making good use of our robes and traipsing across to the other side of the house right now to shower in the guest bathroom! The bright spot in all of this is that since he's already sick of doing that, Brad said we can go ahead and remodel the master bedroom and bathroom this spring! Woo hoo! FINALLY I might be able to do something FUN - though I am sure there will be a few disasters along the way! Oh yeah - and when I pulled up the carpet there was another door cut into the sub floor for access that drops down into a crawl space!! Right in the middle of the bathroom!! What the ......?
We converted the fireplaces to gas burning instead of wood burning, so now we can have nice clean, efficient fires on cold nights. Two are traditional and one we did in a different look with ceramic "rocks" that look like real rocks and fire safe glass! It's awesome and really fun - photo of that to follow too! I finally closed the gap left in the kitchen counter when the new cook top didn't cover the whole opening and decided to get creative with it so made a sunflower mosaic! And then it's been so nice outside lately with the crazy warm weather that I have finally had a chance to attack the yard since I didn't get the opportunity this Fall. Cleaning out the back flower beds which have been totally neglected and had a few years worth of old growth and leaves in it. I'm at 35 bags and counting!! Trimmed a huge old cedar bush at the entrance to the driveway that had a ton of old dead wood on the inside of it and made two trips to the landfill with the bed of my truck piled higher than the cab! Everything about this house is big - even the debris!!!
When the weather warms up for keeps I am also going to paint the exterior of the house, so right now I have paint splotches everywhere! I am sure the neighbors love the patchwork look that they will have to deal with for a few months, but I think they will be happy with the end result so hopefully they will be patient. If you live in the Wichita area and want to help me vote on which color to us, swing by and look at them!
That's all I can think of for now, but that's enough. The last few weeks have actually been really good weeks and I am beginning to feel like I am finally getting my legs back under me. I found a new therapist here (in the spirit of full disclosure, I will share that too) whom I really like. We are still in the early, "getting to know you" stage but I think it will be a good relationship. The house seems to be falling apart a little less or at least there seem to be fewer discoveries spaced further apart. Today Brad even wanted to walk around the whole house and hear what I had in mind for all of the rooms. It really actually got me pretty excited about it again, which I have not been able to be for a very long time.
So I'm back.... in several aspects. As always, music is part of my life and in looking for a song for today I ended up back with one of my favorites - The Weepies. The song I chose is "World Spins Madly On". It seemed appropriate. If you take the time to listen to the lyrics, there were days where this is exactly how I felt - like I was falling apart but the world just was spinning along. The good news is that dark days are often followed by sunshine if you can just hang on. Thanks for hanging with me. Here's to many more adventures for both of us!
In all honesty, it was a tough few months. Shortly after the last blog entry it was Thanksgiving and I was busily trying to get the house ready for the 25 or so family members that would be coming to the house for the big meal. Everyone was cooking so we didn't have to do the whole thing, but we smoked the turkey and did a few other dishes. There were tables to rent, centerpieces to get ready, dishes to borrow...... In the theme of my disheveled life, I used that as the decorating scheme for Thanksgiving and borrowed dishes from a friend who, as she says, "has a bit of a problem" with buying dishes. Works for me! I borrowed 4 settings of 6 different patterns and on each table used some of each. We mixed and matched silverware and even pulled out everything from wine glasses to beer mugs to martini glasses for our drink ware! I made the centerpieces from cool, old liquor bottles I had hung on to and inside of them stuck cattails from the pond, pieces of curly willow branches from my tree and cut a little green from a bush out back to give it some color. I will post a picture, I promise, just not tonight. I loved it. We even managed to get a group family photo on the fence out front before we ate at 5 - which I will post too.
Then it was time to eat and I was feeling worse by the minute. I made my attempts at sitting there and picking at the food but realized I had to give up the fight so went into my bedroom, which is where I stayed for the next 16+ hours. Took me about a week to get back to normal. Stupid flu bug! And Thanksgiving is my favorite meal of the year so I was really ticked off!!!
But perhaps one of the biggest reasons I didn't blogged because I didn't know how to explain it was what came right after Thanksgiving. I will preface it by telling you that a friend of mine posted a quote on facebook about 10 days ago that really hit home with me. The quote said: "Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak; sometimes it means you're strong enough to let go." I really needed to hear that because I felt like I had given up on something and was having a hard time forgiving myself for it.
That something was my dog, George. He entered our lives at a very tumultuous time and I am not sure it was ever really fair to him or to us. Life was chaos about then, getting ready to put our house in Utah on the market, buying a house in Kansas, moving halfway across the country to a new home and life, struggling through the early days with the money pit and traveling every weekend in the Fall. Life with George had gotten to be a challenge. He obviously had some anxiety issues and was not dealing well with us traveling so much. He had become a source of friction between Brad and I as he was "my dog" and therefore, when he got in trouble I felt like I did too. Having 3 big dogs had proven to be more than I could handle and it seemed like every aspect of my life was suffering a little, from my sleep to my outlook and even my marriage on certain days! I felt like George needed more than I could provide for him and we both deserved better. As part of the agreement with the rescue group, I had to agree that if I ever could not keep him I would return him to them. So I did. I felt like a loser and a quitter and the worse dog owner to ever walk the planet. Once the decision was made, George and I drove to Des Moines, IA for his return - him sleeping obliviously in the seat beside me and me crying most of the six hour drive. After a half hour or so there, I turned right around and drove home. 13 hours after it started, I pulled back into my driveway. He is back with my nephew and his family for now, and I think he is happy. They are around more and they have two kids at home. As another friend so aptly put it .... "George needs a boy!". So true! When I left he was chasing after their son!
I know that it was the right thing to do for us. Difficult, but right. My other two dogs actually seem happier now. Life is calmer now. Without having to worry about him constantly, I have been able to get a lot more done. Brad and I are good. I still feel like I failed him, but when I read my friend's quote it really helped me - maybe it really was that I was strong enough to let go. I had to ........
There have been a few more trips since I last wrote. We went to New Orleans with one of Brad's sisters and her husband, as well as his brother and his wife. Lots of Hurricanes helped the hurt and we got to maybe even see a few ghosts on our ghost tour. At least Marcie sure thinks we did!!!
There was another trip to Indianapolis - this time for Jeff's college Graduation! He graduated on December 18th! So very proud of him and we had a wonderful weekend with his girlfriend Michelle and even got to meet her parents who came down from Madison, Wisconsin for the event. So both of my boys are now off the family payroll and earning their own paychecks! It feels great. Jeff actually got a full time job with benefits in Indianapolis that started on January 1. He had done an internship with them for school previously, worked for them over the summer and even part time during football season. So obviously they knew what they were getting and were glad to hire him full time! He was able to come home for a week at Christmas - the final time he will get that luxury I guess!. I am actually headed back to Indiana next weekend for his final football banquet too. Then no more trips for a while for me - thank gosh!
And then of course there is the house! The whole intent of this blog! It's still here, still falling apart little by little, but Brad and I are getting a lot better about laughing about it and riding the waves when they hit. In the last two months....... let's see ...... we have had to do a complete exterior baiting of the house for termite control due to the discovery of what (we hope) is old damage, found a live mouse in the dog food - followed by a dead one a few days later in one of the traps we set. I went around the house with a can of spray foam and sealed up every obvious gaping hole that I could find in both siding and the stone wall in hopes of keeping out both cold and crittters for now!
And of course my favorite, is the night at 10 p.m., as we are getting ready for bed, that Brad says to me "Why is it so wet around the toilet?"!!! Ugh! Please tell me I don't have to do plumbing at 10 p.m. on a Friday night!!!! Thankfully it wasn't an active leak but it did turn out that the shower in the master bedroom has a cracked shower pan and is no longer usable, so Brad and I are making good use of our robes and traipsing across to the other side of the house right now to shower in the guest bathroom! The bright spot in all of this is that since he's already sick of doing that, Brad said we can go ahead and remodel the master bedroom and bathroom this spring! Woo hoo! FINALLY I might be able to do something FUN - though I am sure there will be a few disasters along the way! Oh yeah - and when I pulled up the carpet there was another door cut into the sub floor for access that drops down into a crawl space!! Right in the middle of the bathroom!! What the ......?
We converted the fireplaces to gas burning instead of wood burning, so now we can have nice clean, efficient fires on cold nights. Two are traditional and one we did in a different look with ceramic "rocks" that look like real rocks and fire safe glass! It's awesome and really fun - photo of that to follow too! I finally closed the gap left in the kitchen counter when the new cook top didn't cover the whole opening and decided to get creative with it so made a sunflower mosaic! And then it's been so nice outside lately with the crazy warm weather that I have finally had a chance to attack the yard since I didn't get the opportunity this Fall. Cleaning out the back flower beds which have been totally neglected and had a few years worth of old growth and leaves in it. I'm at 35 bags and counting!! Trimmed a huge old cedar bush at the entrance to the driveway that had a ton of old dead wood on the inside of it and made two trips to the landfill with the bed of my truck piled higher than the cab! Everything about this house is big - even the debris!!!
When the weather warms up for keeps I am also going to paint the exterior of the house, so right now I have paint splotches everywhere! I am sure the neighbors love the patchwork look that they will have to deal with for a few months, but I think they will be happy with the end result so hopefully they will be patient. If you live in the Wichita area and want to help me vote on which color to us, swing by and look at them!
That's all I can think of for now, but that's enough. The last few weeks have actually been really good weeks and I am beginning to feel like I am finally getting my legs back under me. I found a new therapist here (in the spirit of full disclosure, I will share that too) whom I really like. We are still in the early, "getting to know you" stage but I think it will be a good relationship. The house seems to be falling apart a little less or at least there seem to be fewer discoveries spaced further apart. Today Brad even wanted to walk around the whole house and hear what I had in mind for all of the rooms. It really actually got me pretty excited about it again, which I have not been able to be for a very long time.
So I'm back.... in several aspects. As always, music is part of my life and in looking for a song for today I ended up back with one of my favorites - The Weepies. The song I chose is "World Spins Madly On". It seemed appropriate. If you take the time to listen to the lyrics, there were days where this is exactly how I felt - like I was falling apart but the world just was spinning along. The good news is that dark days are often followed by sunshine if you can just hang on. Thanks for hanging with me. Here's to many more adventures for both of us!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
... and then there was one ......
Tomorrow morning Brad and I board a plane for Lexington, Kentucky (via an Atlanta connection) and I find myself having a very hard time going to bed because of the finality of this flight. We are headed there for my son Jeff's final football game of his college career, so it's an extremely bittersweet trip. Often I have opined about how great it would be to have a free Autumn weekend to do as I please or how I wasn't thrilled about yet one more flight, but when push comes to shove, I realize what a big moment this is in my life ..... and his.
For the past 9 years - starting with his Freshman year in High School - at least one day of my Fall weekends has been planned around a football game. It started out as JV games on Friday nights (or maybe even Thursday afternoons if memory serves me correctly). He never played until 9th grade, so this was a new experience. I can actually remember his Junior year when he became a starter, and how I was amazed that he could catch the ball when he played Tight End and hit so hard when he was playing Defensive End. Where did this kid come from?! His Dad and I were sure he was destined for the stage when he was younger, but I don't think either of us dreamt that he would chose the stage of a football field. And then by his Senior year when he started getting interest from some of those schools interested in "not quite big enough for Division 1 but you're a good student" players, it never occurred to me that this would go beyond four years.
Butler chose him and he chose Butler and I have to say that it's been a wonderful fit. I do literally remember driving away from the Freshman dorms his first year there and feeling like the worst mother on the planet for leaving her son on a sweltering August day in an un-airconditioned dorm as he was ready to start 2-a-days........ But we both survived. And I think in perhaps many ways, he thrived. Jeff found his niche and ran with it. And I could not be prouder. He graduates in December as a 5th year Senior, choosing to stay and play the one more season of eligibility he had. He already has a job offer - a blessing in these times. They are lucky to have him. He will be staying in Indianapolis... with Michelle, his girlfriend of three years, whom we love as well, and all of the friends he has made over the years. There are so many proud moments that I am not sure I can recount them all, but I know one was last year when he received the award for "The Butler Way" at the end of the year banquet. In the scheme of life, those are the ones that matter.
So one more Friday I will board an early morning flight, with my #52 jersey packed in my luggage. I will wake on Saturday morning and slip it on and wonder if perhaps the people on the other side of the stadium will see it glow when I wear it with pride as my son takes the field. I will cheer. I will smile. More than likely I will cry. But mostly I will be filled with such love and pride. I am so proud of the young man he has become. I told him that once in a text message a few months back........ he replied that he had much more "becoming to do". I am not sure what I have done so right in my life that I have been blessed with the two sons that I have, but I treasure them and how they have enriched my life.
Here's to health..... may you get through this last game unscathed.
Here's to hope.... for a Butler victory and your bright future.
Here's to joy ... what you have given me the last 22 years.
Here's to love... words cannot express how much I love you and how proud I am to be your mother.
Thanks for the memories Jeff. It's been amazing!
So the song I have chosen today is a classic....... "It's a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong. It truly is a wonderful world........
For the past 9 years - starting with his Freshman year in High School - at least one day of my Fall weekends has been planned around a football game. It started out as JV games on Friday nights (or maybe even Thursday afternoons if memory serves me correctly). He never played until 9th grade, so this was a new experience. I can actually remember his Junior year when he became a starter, and how I was amazed that he could catch the ball when he played Tight End and hit so hard when he was playing Defensive End. Where did this kid come from?! His Dad and I were sure he was destined for the stage when he was younger, but I don't think either of us dreamt that he would chose the stage of a football field. And then by his Senior year when he started getting interest from some of those schools interested in "not quite big enough for Division 1 but you're a good student" players, it never occurred to me that this would go beyond four years.
Butler chose him and he chose Butler and I have to say that it's been a wonderful fit. I do literally remember driving away from the Freshman dorms his first year there and feeling like the worst mother on the planet for leaving her son on a sweltering August day in an un-airconditioned dorm as he was ready to start 2-a-days........ But we both survived. And I think in perhaps many ways, he thrived. Jeff found his niche and ran with it. And I could not be prouder. He graduates in December as a 5th year Senior, choosing to stay and play the one more season of eligibility he had. He already has a job offer - a blessing in these times. They are lucky to have him. He will be staying in Indianapolis... with Michelle, his girlfriend of three years, whom we love as well, and all of the friends he has made over the years. There are so many proud moments that I am not sure I can recount them all, but I know one was last year when he received the award for "The Butler Way" at the end of the year banquet. In the scheme of life, those are the ones that matter.
So one more Friday I will board an early morning flight, with my #52 jersey packed in my luggage. I will wake on Saturday morning and slip it on and wonder if perhaps the people on the other side of the stadium will see it glow when I wear it with pride as my son takes the field. I will cheer. I will smile. More than likely I will cry. But mostly I will be filled with such love and pride. I am so proud of the young man he has become. I told him that once in a text message a few months back........ he replied that he had much more "becoming to do". I am not sure what I have done so right in my life that I have been blessed with the two sons that I have, but I treasure them and how they have enriched my life.
Here's to health..... may you get through this last game unscathed.
Here's to hope.... for a Butler victory and your bright future.
Here's to joy ... what you have given me the last 22 years.
Here's to love... words cannot express how much I love you and how proud I am to be your mother.
Thanks for the memories Jeff. It's been amazing!
So the song I have chosen today is a classic....... "It's a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong. It truly is a wonderful world........
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